Im never gonna be in a relationship ever?

as i get older im slowly coming to turns with it and its consuming my being. ive never had a girlfriend iv never even had a girl who's showed interest in me. im 20 yrs old and have never even had a real kiss with a girl. sometimes i think about it and dont worry because im so depressed i dont even plan on making it that long. other times it hits so hard its devastating and i cant handle it. i think life had other intentions for me than to ever find happiness. what it is? who knows and who cares i dont really wanna play this game anymore, how could i if all i do is lose? after a while when it started to really set in the only thing i can think about is not dying alone. its like an insect crawling around my head gnawing at my brain. one day probably when im around 25 or so if i make it that long ill just snap one day and kill a bunch of people and myself. i dont really care because i saw all this coming from when i was a young boy. so much violence in my head it takes over and i cant. i have game and no how to talk to women its just it never ever ever works in my favor. its like im not even a real person, an inconceivable option. why would i even be considered as someone who another person would actually want to spend time with and get to know. all i do is make people laugh and help with their problems. when in reality im the real piece of sh*t loser that i hate so much in other people. probably why i hate myself so much because i turned out to be the one thing i hated, someone who has nothing. i instill a forced sense of awesomeness to my friends so that i can pretend to be cool when im dying inside. i dont even cut myself or do drugs anymore so now theres nothing to fill the void. i f*ckin love feeling pain its the only thing left. it takes so long for me to feel it because my mind is racing at all times from such severe depression. all i wanna do is go out in the street and f*ckin kill people so badly because i have such a strong feeling of hate. anyone who has ever been depressed knows that you dont have a choice once you start feeling the hate it is all consuming and you dont even know why you act like that thats just the way you are. i want this all to stop. i would like to say the old cliche of its killing me but if it was i wouldnt be here talking about it i would be fine with it. life is to overbearing. theres no chance of ever really finding the person who will love you and if you do most likely you wont love them back so it wont be a 50 50 love it will be lopsided. and where is the beauty in that?